I will be the first to admit that I am not an active be.comer. It would be a conservative estimate to say that I do the video once a week. Sometimes I feel like I’ve done it because I see the video clips on Instagram and it’s almost like I’ve done them, even though my body hasn’t moved from my chair. If I am honest with you, and with myself, it’s infrequent at best.
I started the be.come project when I was traveling a lot for work and wanted a way to workout that didn’t require me to go to dark and isolated hotel gyms. There I might run into my fit male coworkers and feel horrible for only walking at a moderate pace on the treadmill next to their marathon speeds. When I found the be.come project and started doing it at home, I felt like I’d finally found something I could stick with – I cried the first few times during the final planks. I had pushed myself and I told myself I could do it and then, I did. And then, I stopped. For months. For absolutely no reason. I felt good when I did the videos, so why wasn’t I giving myself that feeling? that gift? And why don’t I give it to myself more now?
Part of it is laziness, sure. But maybe, part of me feels like I don’t deserve to feel good. Maybe part of me – the darkest part of me – wants to withhold the good feelings as some sort of self-destructive punishment. I’m taunting myself, “HA! You haven’t finished your work. You haven’t made any progress. You haven’t done anything worthwhile.” Therefore, I don’t deserve to feel good. Perhaps that why when I DO get on the mat, open my laptop, and start moving, I feel almost a little rebellious – standing up to my innermost demons that hold me down and keep me stagnant. When I get to the mat, I feel like I’m defying all my inner naysayers. When I finish my movement and I mark my feelings, I often choose “accomplished” – not only because I’ve done something good that is completely for me, but also because I’ve stood up to myself and given myself something so wonderful.
As I write this, I feel like I’m processing so many parallel struggles I’ve had with these self-destructive tendencies. Since standing up to my inner bully makes me feel rebellious (which in and of itself is so empowering, since I’ve never seen myself to be anything besides abiding because “I follow the rules”), accomplished, and powerful, it makes sense that I would shy away from it. It goes against all the stories I tell myself about myself: “I am lazy. I prefer to be comfortable. I’m a good daughter. I follow the rules. I color inside the lines.” But these stories are not at all representative of how I actually am – I do cool shit! I travel. I left my job to start my own business. I take some big risks! I am cool and confident and funny and outgoing, and I don’t care all that much what other people think of me. It’s confusing to feel like I need to stand up to myself, but it also makes sense – we are our own worst critics, right?
On set as a demo babe, I made a quick comment about how I only started wearing crop tops when I started the be.come project. At the time, it was just an offhand observation, but I realize how even my infrequent trips to the mat have impacted my self-image and my confidence. I might not always love what I see or how I move (or don’t move), but the subtle shifts in how I dress, how I talk about myself, how I try and find more balance in my life, how I talk to my mom, sisters, nieces, and friends about their bodies and health… These are the things that make me realize that I can persevere. the be.come project has become a vehicle for a major change in me. It is helping me to create a new mentality, to forgive myself, to advocate for myself, and to just BE myself and be in my body in a whole new way. If coming to the mat makes me a rebel, then having these realizations on this page makes me feel like a ninja warrior. I’m grateful for this platform that makes me feel good when I come through, and helps me forgive myself when I don’t. I’m going to try to make it there once this week (it’s pretty cool to see myself on the screen), but if I don’t, I’ll at least try to practice some self-kindness and give myself a break. After all, ninja warriors don’t put themselves down when they drop their swords – they’re just resting a little. 😉
my be.come favorites:
song: Meghan Trainer “Like I’m Gonna Lose You”
be.come move: that move when we’re in a lunge and do the hip cocking thing
thing you hear in a be.come session: SHOULDER KISSES!
thing to wear when be.coming: black tights and a tank top
place to take a session: this amazing studio at my office I love to sneak into when there aren’t any classes going on
thanks arielle for sharing! you can follow @arielle.nadas