At 11:02, a call came in from my dad. I knew immediately that something was wrong. My grandmother (the only grandparent I’ve ever known and the women after whom I am named) had passed away. She’d been in the hospital for about a month with serious heart issues. She was 91 has already had multiple major heart surgeries so medical intervention was not an option. I visited her in the hospital and saw how rapidly her health was deteriorating. It shouldn’t have been a surprise but it still felt like an unexpected knife to the heart. The last time I visited she was asleep when I left so I never really got to say goodbye.
I felt hollow and helpless. I had to stay at work but I was having trouble focusing. I’ve written to you in the past about how helpful the be.come project has been for maintaining my mental health, so I decided to do this week’s routine on my lunch break. I normally don’t work out in the office so I stopped in the nearest Duane Reade and picked up a pair of leggings (I wear sports bras nearly every day so thankfully I didn’t have to seek one out). I cleared the floor and pressed play. How I was feeling at the start: heartbroken. I cleared my mind and let your voice and the music guide me. I concentrated on my form and feeling my strength. I didn’t let my mind drift to dark places. How I was feeling after: less empty.
Obviously, I’m still hurting but for 25 minutes, I didn’t feel helpless. I know I’m not going to feel whole anytime soon but I’m really grateful to have be.come for the times I feel powerless and lost.
My grandma was a truly incredible woman. She graduated from college, became a mortician, and raised three wonderful children. She had a wicked sense of humor and a huge heart. Her loss will be felt by many but she knew it was her time and we were gifted with the opportunity to be there for her in her final days and send her off peacefully. I know she will visit us in the years to come. Thank you all for being so supportive and for helping me work through this in a positive way.