In many ways, 2018 was a transformative year for me. After a handful of years that felt like dark times—loss, growth, grief on many levels—I started to like and love myself and my life again.
It’s hard to identify the exact cause. I started being honest with myself about what I really want, I started giving my time to myself instead of to everyone around me, and I started enjoying my body, kinda for the first time. My body journey is a long (lifelong) one, and I’ve spent most of my years feeling like I needed to hide it. Even though I would never admit to anyone that I didn’t like my body (cuz I’m too woke for that), a very real, very deep part of me has always been ashamed of it.
It was January 2018, I had just ended a relationship, was regrouping majorly, having a lot of solo time, listening to a lot of PJ Harvey, etc etc. I knew Bethany through Nico (childhood friends) and was really enchanted by their energy, assertiveness, vulnerability, allathat, so I thought, why don’t I see what the be.come project is all about. So I hopped onto the January Project and it was like a lightbulb went on, in my core. I’m a dancer and have dabbled in yoga over the years, so the blend of those with Pilates just felt so good. Like, it felt really really good, and it was fun. And they have great music taste. And I didn’t have to leave my apartment (which I was barely doing that month). So I kept doing it.
And kept doing it. And every time Bethany reminded me that doing something was better than nothing, I had to agree. And every time I gave my shoulders little smooches, I gave myself a lil chill. And after some weeks or months, for the first time in my life, I felt f*cking strong.
Like, I’m pretty strong. And I never thought of myself that way. I have been so afraid of embracing my own power (for many reasons) for a long, long time, and something about this work cracked me open in a way I am deeply grateful for. And helped me to see my physical self in a new, wonderful way.
I love feeling strong. And I now feel the connection across my physical strength, my emotional strength, my spiritual strength—they all feed each other. I wanna keep my body strong (so I can fight racists and homophobes and more), and the be.come project has been the best, most sustainable partner I’ve had in that endeavor thus far in my life.
Here’s to bustin’ out many more mountain climbers, and still being proud of ourselves on the days we don’t. Happy Pride 🙂
Thanks to @sammiesachs for sharing!
Cover image by @zackgreywrites.