be.come turns one! ll victoria shares

Besides my endometriosis, my health is generally pretty good. While this is technically true and I something to be very grateful for, I don’t want to minimize the struggle of chronic illness, for myself or anyone else. Endometriosis affects 1 in 10 people with uteruses, there is no cure (the treatment options are limited), and it took me over a decade to be diagnosed. Last week I had what is probably the worst pain flare up I have had since the ovarian cyst that caused the endo-finding surgery five years ago. I was in bed for over two days, legs tingly and numb, knives of pain in my pelvis and back, nauseated. Pissed. Depressed. Feeling misunderstood, and definitely hating every bit of my body. 

I have always had a complicated relationship with my body and self esteem. I used to start an exercise regimen. A diet change. Stop. Start. Stop. Beat myself up for every stop and figure I was failing in some way or another. Not as successful as this person or that person. A horrible cycle! My chronic illnesses do not care how much weight I’d like to lose or how much I’d like to enjoy a workout or how much I’d like to be more consistent, but I try and that’s enough. I’m enough!

The be.come project has had a huge role in my endo journey this past year.  With this project, I have learned to mentally frame exercise as something to be appreciative of.- that despite my illnesses and bad days/weeks, my body can MOVE and be GRACEFUL and be STRONG. It is the first workout that I find enjoyable and fun (a huge mental hurdle in the past), and is an activity that I never feel that I “have to do,” or that I have failed myself if I have a bad day and don’t do a session. 

These days I avoid the scale (it’s my enemy!), and overall I feel like I’m slowly but surely learning to love my body for probably the first time ever. I wore a bikini in public! I have a bikini body because I have a body! 

My birthday is next week and in the past I have felt trepidation when approaching a birthday, focusing on things I didn’t do. But I feel that I’m looking at this next year with openness. I see opportunity, I see the results of my epiphanies and patience, I see personal growth, and I definitely see more be.come 🙂